Well-meaning Bad Advice

Today I talked to my father about how stuck I feel and how I'm repeating the same bad patterns that started when I was younger which is using avoidance as a coping mechanism.

At first the conversation went well. We've talked about similar things before and some of the issues I have, he actually has too and sometimes, just knowing that I'm not alone in feeling the way I feel is help enough. But then after after a short while, instead of supporting me in how I told him I've chosen to deal with it ( = seeing a therapist), he starts giving me "advice". Or rather tells me how I should feel. For example, I told him that going into a firm/shop/whatever to hand in a resume is absolutely terrifying to me. A simple "Aw, that sucks. I'm sorry you feel that way" was all that I needed. Instead he starts telling me that there's nothing to be scared of and that I should just go ahead and do it 'cause it isn't that bad (or something to that effect). It's so frustrating because a) you can't tell me to just not be scared - that's not how fear works, b) you can't tell me something isn't bad when you don't truly understand how I fell and c) these are the words I tell myself already and they're only making things worse because I then feel pathetic for not being able to overcome something that should be simple and easy. So even though his words came from a place of caring they had the opposite effect.

Then, when I tell him that his so called advice is not helpful he gets defensive.

This scenario has played out many times with different people and it's equally frustrating every time.

One good thing that has come of these not-so-fun experiences is the realization really is the best choice for me at this point.

I'll really do my best next week to finally book my first appointment even though even the thought seems overwhelming.

- Janni

Dreaming or Doing

For about as long as I can remember, I've had lots of dreams and intentions about what I want to do in life. I've even written a lot of these down to sort of solidify them as goals and give myself a visual reminder of what I want to achieve.

But the problem is - I hardly ever actually do these things. If things go well maybe I'll try doing the things once or twice and then let it fizzle out.

Also, I have a tendency to not be specific when I talk as you may already have noticed. I have recently realized that not doing this can be a way of protecting myself from hurt or judgment. I want to stop doing this because it's also a way to distance myself from others.

So in the spirit of being specific - this is who I am and why I made this blog:

I want to be an author. When I was young I used to love writing and reading stories. After I finished University July last year I started applying for jobs, but quickly fell into a slump. Writing the applications was hard because deep down I didn't want the types of jobs I was applying for. My degree is in Online Communication so naturally I applied for things dealing with social media, online marketing campaigns and the like. I felt so fake writing that I "thrive in a fast-paced environment" or that I "enjoy juggling having many balls in the fair" because I really really don't. (Nearly all the jobs called for that type of personality, so I felt that I had to have those kid of qualities). It wasn't just that though. The premise of the jobs themselves didn't appeal to me at all. I'm a very idealistic kind of person and having a job where I have to promote something I don't really care about is at odds with what I believe in. I strive towards not being materialistic and living a more simple and intentional lifestyle.

I have so many ideas for my book and its plot, theme and characters. I think about it all the time and yet I rarely ever sit down and put pen to paper (or rather finger to keyboard) and that needs to happen in order for my dream and goal of becoming an author can become a reality.

This is where this blog comes in. I have other goals in life other than to be a published writer (and I intent to tell you about them), but what they all have in common is that I need to stop dreaming about them and start taking actions towards making them happen. In my experience, once you get the ball rolling it gets easier and easier and so this is me giving the ball its first push.

Hopefully this will also be a platform that'll allow me to connect to other people who share some of the same struggles so that we can support each other and help keep each other focused on what we set out to do.

Umm.... so yeah. I really want things to start happening so that I'll no longer feel stuck as I do now. Here's to hoping this blog is the beginning of making my dreams a reality. No pressure or anything ;)

- Janni